I live between two mountains
The sun rises upon the valley,
I am stuck on the dark side of the hill.
Every morning I sip my coffee and watch the sky.
Every morning it taunts me.
I watch the gleaming light shine bright upon the top
The bottom still succumbed in darkness.
What a tease.
Every morning I watch and wait for it to be different,
Every morning, it never is.
I wait in the dark side of the hill
for sky to set me free.
Stuck at the bottom of the valley where the light doesn't shine.
Stuck in the cold where there is only a view of the glowing sun,
but too far from me.
So close is the mountain but still so out of reach.
I wait in this valley that resembles death
and I am reminded that I am small.
Insignificant to this mountain that is stealing all of my sunlight.
Why would this sun shine on me?
Why would this mountain share with me?
Who am I?
I am the one who lives between two mountains,
down in the darkness of the valley.
Stuck on the dark side of the hill.
Waiting for a sky that doesn't care about me to set me free.
Wednesday, November 29, 2017
Friday, November 10, 2017
A revelation of God
The idea of openly talking about religion and God has become almost taboo in this new world. Society is godless, and believes in the self more than Him. As a young christian in America I know that it can be hard to express faith without being shamed by nonbelievers. It can be hard to stand up for your faith when everyone around you is ignoring God. The only times you hear of Him are in whispers anymore-- silent prayers when something bad happens. The voice of Satan has rose over the last few years, and I have watched my generation listen and diminish itself into nothing but faithless, hopeless, and aimless people. The devil has said to close your ears and hearts to God and to believe in yourself, and do what you want despite the consequences of faith. Many people have listened. God said that Satan is the ruler of this world, (John 14:30). Satan manipulates us in ways some do not even recognize. Satan pushes people to be selfish. The difference between self care and self love and selfishness is this: self-care and self-love are necessary, one must take care of the self. But while taking care of the self, the individual does not promote themselves to be above another individual or God. They remain equal. Satan wishes to push people to believe that they are more important than others, and that they do not need anyone or God, because they can take care of themselves. Satan himself was cast out of heaven for thinking this same philosophy. He believed that he did not need God, and that he had power on his own. This philosophy only landed him in hell.
I grew up in the Catholic church, and had my communion, and baptism and so on. But personally, I would consider myself nondenominational for a number of reasons that seem logical to me. I am comfortable in any church that represents itself as a house of God, and a place of worship. Denominations can get so complicated, because none of us were there to know Jesus or God in the time of the Bible. God did not say that the Catholics, or the Christians, or the Baptists, etc., were more right than any other Christianity based denomination. He said to believe in Him, and have faith in Him, and by doing those things you will find salvation. No matter what denomination you are I believe that if you believe in Him and you follow the basics of what He said to us, you will too be saved. Because of the time that we live in and the way religion is portrayed today it is hard at times to know what is truly right and what is wrong. When I was about fifteen and I realized that it was okay to not choose a denomination and to simply be a believer, I set some guidelines for myself. I told myself that while I would take into consideration all religious ideas I would also allow myself to build a personal connection with God in order to understand Him and who I needed to be as a believer. I told myself that I would believe in the God that I read about, but I would have faith in the God who revealed himself to me, and that I felt in my life. I would believe in the things he did around me, and the Spirit that I saw him actively being. Now to some who lack faith, this seems unconventional and hard to understand. But I prayed to God and I asked him to be active in my life, and to reveal himself to me any chance that He could. I asked him to give me signs, and allow me to have true understanding of who He was and what He could do. Religion is all about faith and He knew I believed and had faith and asking to see him was not for confirmation, but was to feel Him actively around me. I have talked to Him about this faithless world, and I have asked him to allow me to continue to see His work despite the rest of the blind world. I prayed to Him and told Him that if He needed me that He could act through me and that I would be a messenger for Him. As I said before, to nonbelievers this seems irrational, but to someone with faith who has seen God's work and felt His presence it is nothing less than real.
I remember the first time I truly felt God's spirit upon me, and I heard his voice. Every time I have heard Him I have a moment where I question my own sanity. You know the voice in your head, it is your voice, and the only time you hear your subconscious. With that being said, if you are hearing voices that are not your own, and you recognize they are not your own, either you are actually going insane, or in my case you are hearing the voice of God for the first time. Now if I was not in the middle of a fifteen year old life crisis, and had not been in the middle of prayer, I may have questioned my sanity a bit more, but I knew instantly from the serene feeling of peace that it was Holy. I went through a terrible time my sophomore year of high school, where I was bullied by many different people who were saying horrible, evil things. There was a point where people were actually telling me that I should kill myself, and their rumors and sharp words hurt me very deeply. I have never been one to want to hurt myself, or think negatively about myself, or wanting to live, but there was a day where it got extremely overwhelming and for a while I contemplated if I could do that to myself. I knew I could never kill myself, but the heavy feeling on my heart of self pity and depression put me in a very dark place and I felt extremely alone. I remember locking myself in my room and crying in my bed for seven hours straight, not even coming close to running out of tears. I turned to God. I told him everything that was going on and I told him about the sadness that had overcome me. I was crying so hard that half of my several hour long prayer was aloud and the other half was said in my head. I begged God to help me. He knew my heart and He knew that I had good intentions with my life, and that I never wanted those dark feelings, or the thoughts of suicide. God heard me, and how scared I was. I was afraid of the sadness that I sensed in myself, because for the first time suicide made sense to me. I no longer could ever question how someone could feel so low to where they would hurt themselves because I felt that. I told God that I needed His help.. no one else could help me. God understood the evils of this world, and He knows the darkness in people's hearts. Humans persecuted His son Jesus, they said and did horrible things to him. God knows the darkness all too well, and I told Him I knew that only He could save me. I remember I was crying, sobbing, snot coming out of my nose, painfully in tears. I was begging God to please help me. I remember feeling so much pain, and all I could ask was for him to help me know what to do because I was afraid and alone and I did not want to hurt myself but I was having bad thoughts. Then it hit me. This voice in my head that was not mine, words flowing through my mind that were not my thoughts. I was still asking for help, when I was hit with an overwhelming peace. A peace that stopped my tears instantly and told me that there was no reason to cry. This voice told me that I would be okay and that everything was going to be okay. I cannot explain in human words the feeling that overcame my being, but that's because it was not human it was Godly. In seven hours of crying it all stopped in an instant because of the voice of God who told me that I was okay, and that He had me and that all I needed to know was that I needed to stop crying and be strong and that I was okay. I was empowered by the peace that God had washed over me. I have never doubted myself since then any time I have felt that I was hearing the voice of God, and each time I am validated that my sanity is intact and that my faith is strong and true.
Last week I went to I-Hop for lunch in between school and work. I am pregnant and going through major life changes and spent my entire lunch going over my finances to ensure I could pay my bills due this month, and get a few extra things I needed. I was stressing majorly because I just started a new job, and I have a lot going on. I was thinking to myself, "I know that we will figure it all out, God always helps me know what to do, and how to have it all together.. but man do I have a lot going on," and I would recalculate my money trying to come up with different savings plans, etc. It wasn't very busy in the restaurant and I was at a booth alone, facing the door. A man and a woman came in after me and were sat catty corner to my booth, but every time I would look up the man was staring directly at me. I did not want to seem rude like I was staring back so I tried to keep my head down as much as I could. We were sitting close and the restaurant was quiet so I could hear the man talking and I got the impression that perhaps something was wrong with him that we couldn't see, but that he was mentally handicapped or impaired in some way. I then felt even worse to look up because I did not want to offend him by making him think I was staring-- despite that he was staring at me. I battled myself to focus on my food and read articles on my phone. I had the urge to look up and I did and he was smiling so I smiled back but looked down again, breaking eye contact that I was afraid to hold for long. My waitress brought me my ticket soon and it is routine of me to grab my ticket instantly and review it and pull out my card. I am usually anxious once I receive my receipt and hurry to leave, but I told myself that I would enjoy my meal and relax before work. About ten minutes later I reached to review my ticket and it was the man and woman's ticket and not mine. Upon realizing this I got the incredible urge to pay for these people's meal. It was an overwhelming voice in my head telling me that I needed to pay for this for them. I told God in my head, "Okay God, I have this overwhelming feeling to do this for these people. I just spent my entire lunch reviewing my finances, and I really don't know if I can afford to even be eating out myself, but if this is what you want me to do, tell me and I will do it. If you're really asking me to do this, I will do it." I sat and I waited and the feeling only got stronger. I flagged down my waitress and I told her about the mishap of the tickets and when she went to take theirs I told her to leave it and that I would pay for it as well. She looked at me like I was crazy, and asked me why, and I almost choked up trying to tell her that I cannot explain why, but that I had an overwhelming feeling that I was being called to pay for their meal. She was surprised but agreed that I could do it, and left me with their ticket. I paid and I wasn't going to approach them but I felt as if I needed to as well, so before I walked out the doors I turned around and walked to their booth. "Hi, I just wanted to let you guys know that I paid for your meal today, so you don't have to worry about the ticket. Stay blessed." The woman's mouth opened and she didn't look like she knew what to say, and the man smiled and said "Thank you!" repetitively until the woman also said thank you. I walked out to my car and I had this overwhelming feeling of God that made me want to cry-- but out of goodness, not sadness. I took a breather in my car and sat in the parking lot for about ten minutes waiting so I didn't get to work too early, and I was a little insecure by the woman's reaction. She was surprised but I didn't sense that she was grateful, despite that the man was. I told God, "God I am not doubting you, and I do not regret paying for their meal, but I still don't understand why you wanted me to do that. I know you wanted me to, and I know I am not crazy, but I don't quite understand the purpose. I just spent my day worrying about money and I did not even sense that the woman was grateful for that act you just showed her through me." God made me bite my tongue as he validated His purpose. The people walk out of the restaurant and to their car. Every car in the parking lot is new, at least a 2013 and up. Their car is the only one in the parking lot that looked like it may not even start. It was an 80's model that was falling apart, with windows busted out and plastic wrap in place of glass. Duct tape was what was holding that vehicle together. From their appearance you wouldn't have known, but they obviously had less than I did as I sat in my brand new car with all five windows in tact. Not only did God act through me and validate himself but He also reminded me that my problems are well taken care of compared to others. I sat in my car and I cried at the overwhelming power I felt through the act of God that He allowed me to be apart of that day.
Ask God to reveal himself to you. Open yourself as a messenger of Him. He will use your being for good and holy things.
Matthew 7:7-8 "Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you:
For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened"Monday, October 23, 2017
letters to a sad man
hey dad,
its been a while... ten years to be exact.
how have you been? im sixteen now, i'll be seventeen soon.
i was hoping you'd like to be a part of my life now. would you like that? let me know.
its hard for me sometimes because i feel like maybe i did something, but i have to remind myself all i did was be born, and its you that did something.. you abandoned me.
but its okay because the last ten years of feeling alone has given me a lot of time to grow.
i decided im willing to forgive you now and you can be my dad if you want
for the first time ever. do you want that too? will you be my dad now?
i've already gone through diapers, and tampons, and teenage moodiness so you dont even have to deal with it!
i've already had glasses and contacts and i have my first car so you dont even have to worry about money.
you dont even have to buy me anything for christmas or my birthday dad, lets just hang out.
can we do that? do you want to hang out? we can eat pizza and watch movies or something.
ive had my first job so i understand the value of a dollar, and im not very high maintenance.
will you be my dad now?
let me know.
- buddy
hey dad,
me again, it's been a while but im glad we talked. it was nice to see everyone after ten years. i will have to visit again soon. hopefully next time the second bedroom in your house can be my room and i wont have to sleep on the couch again. no offense to your couch.
do you want to see me again? i bet you were surprised by my height difference.
theres a big growth spurt most kids hit between ages 7 and 17. i hit it, obviously.
you kind of pawned me off on family while i was in town, but you did that when i was little too.
at least this time im old enough to understand. you go to get high a lot..
i wish you could push pause on your addiction.. just while im around.
hey at least you wait til im with family and dont toke up in front of me.
anyway thanks for eating gas station pizza with me and only ditching me twice.
i understand that two days is a long time to ask you not to be high so dont worry.
let me know if you want to hang out again, it was good seeing everyone.
please note that next time i really dont want to sleep on the couch.
-buddy
stranger,
your only daughter here. hello.
well it was nice of you to finally give me a bedroom in your house. it only took eighteen years.
it is a shame, however that i only had the chance to sleep in it once before you decided you were done being my dad again.
thats ok, i have another dad. but still i kind of wanted to see you be my dad too.
i mean we look alike and i know what goes through your head just by the looks on your face.
id like to think that meant we had a bond, but maybe i just am good at reading people.
i guess you dont have time for kids. i guess you think since im 18 now you can get high in front of me.
my other dad would never do that and it hurt my feelings when you did.
it hurt my feelings even more when you wanted to get me high with you.
you know, ive been to parties before where little girls were on beer pong tables next to crushed up pills and weed and i would grab those babies and take them to their rooms and stay with them keeping them safe until the party was over. i would go home and cry for those kids.
i realized in this last visit that if i grew up around you, i would have been that little baby.
i thanked God when i realized that and i understood finally why you couldnt be my dad.
i finally understood why you pawned me off on family my whole life.
i wouldnt be me if you were my dad
so i guess thanks for not being him.
i guess, thanks for breaking my heart. no one will ever break it like you did
but it empowered me. and it made me a lot smarter.
i am sad because now i have to give up on you. it took a lot of power to forgive you in the first place.
but you broke my heart for the last time.
i wont get high with you and im not your buddy.
i signed all my letters buddy because i remember thats what you used to call me when i was little.
you always would grab the back of my head and call me your buddy.
we arent buddies. im your daughter. your only baby. and now im broken. a shattered porcelain doll.
grandma used to get me a porcelain doll every year for christmas.
finally i realize it represented me.
each time i got a new one pretty much represented a time you broke me.
every year i tallied up a closet full of those scary dolls.
but its ok. you cant be my dad. i dont want you to.
does that make you feel anything? does that hurt you too? let me know.
- kinda your daughter
hey,
its been two years. youve missed my high school graduation and first year of college, and all of my first adult experiences. but you also missed my entire life so why would you have seen those?
i just wanted to tell you i'm getting married and having a baby.
i dont want you to be a grandpa, my baby has a grandpa already, i just thought you should know.
truly i just thought it would be wrong for you to hear from someone else.
i told you how happy i was to be expecting a baby. you told me youre moving.
moving into a house with a woman. a woman with two kids.
there went another porcelain doll off the shelf onto the concrete floors. shattered. the last doll i had.
i told you i was happy for you, but i had tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat thicker than molasses.
you had no idea what you told me hurt me.
i wish you understood why that would hurt me. i feel like its so clear. but youre so clueless.
i never lived with you. i got a bedroom in your house for one night of my entire life.
these kids are young. elementary age. even if you two dont stay together they will have lived with you longer than i ever did. even if it only lasted 48 hours.
that crushes me.
how can you allow other kids into your life but not have let me in?
i told you to keep those kids happy, and you told me you will, theyre good kids, you said.
was i not a good kid? never in trouble. A honor roll. gifted and AP classes.
i dual enrolled in college at 16. but still not good enough for daddys heart.
you didnt say much to me. you didnt ask if id been sick.
ive been sick.
mostly you updated me on yourself. you bragged about your new family and life.
the harleys you ride with your girlfriend.
theres two of you, yet you own three. i dont quite understand that math, but im an english major.
oh yeah, did you know i am an english major?
anyway. im glad you stopped paying child support so you could buy a third harley.
your boat looks really shiny at your new lake house too.
"im happy youre happy." i wish that was a lie. but you always seemed so depressed.
can you breathe now?
does your girlfriend get high with you?
i hope you never ask those kids to do that with you. i hope those kids move somewhere else.
maybe for more than just obvious reasons but for selfish ones too.
why should you get to be around any kids after you abandoned your only one?
does your girlfriend know the truth about me and why im not around?
im bitter. but im broken. but not the same bitter and broken as you.
ill never send this but perhaps youll find it and youll feel the hurt that i felt.
although my baby is not born yet i feel this unconditional love that i cannot explain but that i expect every parent to feel for their child.
so i wonder what is broken inside of you that has made you numb to me?
a few days later you wished me a happy birthday for the first time in three years. thank you for that,
but i cant help but wonder now how you will act toward me now?
suddenly i am receiving happy birthdays, whats next? happy thanksgiving? merry christmas?
you wont ever be my kids grandpa.
you will probably never meet my husband. i dont want you at my wedding. youd never be asked to walk me down the aisle. so i wonder. what role will you try to play?
or is it still the same as always? you dont want to be my dad now, do you?
youre too prideful to tell me you love me so i dont think you do.
what are you thinking? are you thinking of me at all? do you hurt? do you cry? let me know.
-the last doll
its been a while... ten years to be exact.
how have you been? im sixteen now, i'll be seventeen soon.
i was hoping you'd like to be a part of my life now. would you like that? let me know.
its hard for me sometimes because i feel like maybe i did something, but i have to remind myself all i did was be born, and its you that did something.. you abandoned me.
but its okay because the last ten years of feeling alone has given me a lot of time to grow.
i decided im willing to forgive you now and you can be my dad if you want
for the first time ever. do you want that too? will you be my dad now?
i've already gone through diapers, and tampons, and teenage moodiness so you dont even have to deal with it!
i've already had glasses and contacts and i have my first car so you dont even have to worry about money.
you dont even have to buy me anything for christmas or my birthday dad, lets just hang out.
can we do that? do you want to hang out? we can eat pizza and watch movies or something.
ive had my first job so i understand the value of a dollar, and im not very high maintenance.
will you be my dad now?
let me know.
- buddy
hey dad,
me again, it's been a while but im glad we talked. it was nice to see everyone after ten years. i will have to visit again soon. hopefully next time the second bedroom in your house can be my room and i wont have to sleep on the couch again. no offense to your couch.
do you want to see me again? i bet you were surprised by my height difference.
theres a big growth spurt most kids hit between ages 7 and 17. i hit it, obviously.
you kind of pawned me off on family while i was in town, but you did that when i was little too.
at least this time im old enough to understand. you go to get high a lot..
i wish you could push pause on your addiction.. just while im around.
hey at least you wait til im with family and dont toke up in front of me.
anyway thanks for eating gas station pizza with me and only ditching me twice.
i understand that two days is a long time to ask you not to be high so dont worry.
let me know if you want to hang out again, it was good seeing everyone.
please note that next time i really dont want to sleep on the couch.
-buddy
stranger,
your only daughter here. hello.
well it was nice of you to finally give me a bedroom in your house. it only took eighteen years.
it is a shame, however that i only had the chance to sleep in it once before you decided you were done being my dad again.
thats ok, i have another dad. but still i kind of wanted to see you be my dad too.
i mean we look alike and i know what goes through your head just by the looks on your face.
id like to think that meant we had a bond, but maybe i just am good at reading people.
i guess you dont have time for kids. i guess you think since im 18 now you can get high in front of me.
my other dad would never do that and it hurt my feelings when you did.
it hurt my feelings even more when you wanted to get me high with you.
you know, ive been to parties before where little girls were on beer pong tables next to crushed up pills and weed and i would grab those babies and take them to their rooms and stay with them keeping them safe until the party was over. i would go home and cry for those kids.
i realized in this last visit that if i grew up around you, i would have been that little baby.
i thanked God when i realized that and i understood finally why you couldnt be my dad.
i finally understood why you pawned me off on family my whole life.
i wouldnt be me if you were my dad
so i guess thanks for not being him.
i guess, thanks for breaking my heart. no one will ever break it like you did
but it empowered me. and it made me a lot smarter.
i am sad because now i have to give up on you. it took a lot of power to forgive you in the first place.
but you broke my heart for the last time.
i wont get high with you and im not your buddy.
i signed all my letters buddy because i remember thats what you used to call me when i was little.
you always would grab the back of my head and call me your buddy.
we arent buddies. im your daughter. your only baby. and now im broken. a shattered porcelain doll.
grandma used to get me a porcelain doll every year for christmas.
finally i realize it represented me.
each time i got a new one pretty much represented a time you broke me.
every year i tallied up a closet full of those scary dolls.
but its ok. you cant be my dad. i dont want you to.
does that make you feel anything? does that hurt you too? let me know.
- kinda your daughter
hey,
its been two years. youve missed my high school graduation and first year of college, and all of my first adult experiences. but you also missed my entire life so why would you have seen those?
i just wanted to tell you i'm getting married and having a baby.
i dont want you to be a grandpa, my baby has a grandpa already, i just thought you should know.
truly i just thought it would be wrong for you to hear from someone else.
i told you how happy i was to be expecting a baby. you told me youre moving.
moving into a house with a woman. a woman with two kids.
there went another porcelain doll off the shelf onto the concrete floors. shattered. the last doll i had.
i told you i was happy for you, but i had tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat thicker than molasses.
you had no idea what you told me hurt me.
i wish you understood why that would hurt me. i feel like its so clear. but youre so clueless.
i never lived with you. i got a bedroom in your house for one night of my entire life.
these kids are young. elementary age. even if you two dont stay together they will have lived with you longer than i ever did. even if it only lasted 48 hours.
that crushes me.
how can you allow other kids into your life but not have let me in?
i told you to keep those kids happy, and you told me you will, theyre good kids, you said.
was i not a good kid? never in trouble. A honor roll. gifted and AP classes.
i dual enrolled in college at 16. but still not good enough for daddys heart.
you didnt say much to me. you didnt ask if id been sick.
ive been sick.
mostly you updated me on yourself. you bragged about your new family and life.
the harleys you ride with your girlfriend.
theres two of you, yet you own three. i dont quite understand that math, but im an english major.
oh yeah, did you know i am an english major?
anyway. im glad you stopped paying child support so you could buy a third harley.
your boat looks really shiny at your new lake house too.
"im happy youre happy." i wish that was a lie. but you always seemed so depressed.
can you breathe now?
does your girlfriend get high with you?
i hope you never ask those kids to do that with you. i hope those kids move somewhere else.
maybe for more than just obvious reasons but for selfish ones too.
why should you get to be around any kids after you abandoned your only one?
does your girlfriend know the truth about me and why im not around?
im bitter. but im broken. but not the same bitter and broken as you.
ill never send this but perhaps youll find it and youll feel the hurt that i felt.
although my baby is not born yet i feel this unconditional love that i cannot explain but that i expect every parent to feel for their child.
so i wonder what is broken inside of you that has made you numb to me?
a few days later you wished me a happy birthday for the first time in three years. thank you for that,
but i cant help but wonder now how you will act toward me now?
suddenly i am receiving happy birthdays, whats next? happy thanksgiving? merry christmas?
you wont ever be my kids grandpa.
you will probably never meet my husband. i dont want you at my wedding. youd never be asked to walk me down the aisle. so i wonder. what role will you try to play?
or is it still the same as always? you dont want to be my dad now, do you?
youre too prideful to tell me you love me so i dont think you do.
what are you thinking? are you thinking of me at all? do you hurt? do you cry? let me know.
-the last doll
Monday, July 3, 2017
Left Behind
I sat in that empty room, imagining our honeymoon
If only we'd have made it that far
I replayed the thought over in my head
How badly I craved you in my bed
Your kiss, your touch, your presence.
I play back all the times you'd say you loved me
How badly I wanted to hear it again
They always walk out
They never stay
I end up alone, in bed, all day.
I don't want to start over
I don't want to start new
I don't want to open up again
It's so hard to feel used
All I want is me and you.
So I sit in this room full of my sorrow
Hoping you come back to me
Today, tomorrow
Until then I leave you with this
You have me until the very end
Perhaps I am weak for hoping
But perhaps I am strong too
There's a strength that comes from abandonment
One that I'll never give to you
But one that has built me
The me that loves you
The me that will never leave, no matter how blue
I'll stay in this place
Praying just to see your face
Holding my breath for one last taste
I don't want to wait-- but I will
In time you'll see, you're made for me.
If only we'd have made it that far
I replayed the thought over in my head
How badly I craved you in my bed
Your kiss, your touch, your presence.
I play back all the times you'd say you loved me
How badly I wanted to hear it again
They always walk out
They never stay
I end up alone, in bed, all day.
I don't want to start over
I don't want to start new
I don't want to open up again
It's so hard to feel used
All I want is me and you.
So I sit in this room full of my sorrow
Hoping you come back to me
Today, tomorrow
Until then I leave you with this
You have me until the very end
Perhaps I am weak for hoping
But perhaps I am strong too
There's a strength that comes from abandonment
One that I'll never give to you
But one that has built me
The me that loves you
The me that will never leave, no matter how blue
I'll stay in this place
Praying just to see your face
Holding my breath for one last taste
I don't want to wait-- but I will
In time you'll see, you're made for me.
Sunday, March 26, 2017
Scorched
A coffee stain on my white button up by 7:15 a.m., only for my boss to dump another box of files on my desk for me to sort through before our 9 o'clock meeting. I can hear the interns swarming Lynette with all of the ideas for next weeks issue-- ideas that she will never print. She sends me to shew them, while I am on the phone with four clients, the clock is ticking, and I have yet to email Rob from corporate that we are cancelling our 2 o'clock meeting with Ellen. I changed into my back-up button up that I keep for disastrous days like today, only to spill my new coffee on it due to the abrupt screech of the fire alarm. With the deepest breath I can pull from my lungs, I sigh; it is a Monday.
Perhaps someone did not meet a deadline and is trying to buy time by faking a fire-- that would not be so shocking considering the pressures of this high maintenance office. I too have considered such drastic measures for the sake of job-security. Perhaps one of the young interns put a fork in the microwave again-- the intelligence of our interns seems to grow more questionable each year. Who hires these kids anyway? A similar list of thoughts runs through my mind until I peek out of my office door to see what looks like headless chickens running for their lives. Do you remember being five and digging for earth worms, and realizing that when you cut them in half both sides of their body can still inch away? My view was earth worms and chickens inching for the nearest exit. Perhaps I was not assuming the worst soon enough-- it began to smell like burnt plastic and I see two young men dropping fire extinguishers and hustling toward the stairwell. Smoke is filling the office and I am paralyzed by screams. Should I take some of these files? Should I grab the cute picture of my dog off of my desk? Where is my purse? Did I check my coat this morning? Did I drive or walk to work today? I am sweating and I am unsure if it is anxiety or if it is beginning to get warmer. I say fuck the dog picture, but I grab my purse and take off toward the door only to hear a scream coming from two offices down. Fire has overcome the door, and there is no way to get in. All I see is flames and I am beginning to get light headed. The screams grow more faint and I am worried for the amount of people that did not escape. Is this trapped mystery woman the only one, or have others screams already been muted by the fire's roar?
My make-up has sweat off and my once favorite back-up white button up is ruined. I rip it to cover my mouth and go after the fire extinguishers that the young men threw to the floor. Terrified but full of adrenaline I feed the fire killer foam that subsides most of the flames, at least enough to be able to kick down the burnt and crispy office door. I was praying the mystery woman was smart enough to be away from the entrance, and my prayers were answered. Luckily, in my spare time I nerd out on medical shows and can recognize that although faint, the woman has a pulse. I cradle her like a child covering her nose and mouth the best I can and we hike down the stairwell. The amount of people fleeing the building is backed up once we reach the third floor. So close yet still so far from the exit I begin to panic. It has been at least fifteen minutes of chaos and despite the running and pushing there are so many people that it will take at least ten minutes to get out of the building. How long does it take for a structure to collapse once fire is involved? The cracking foundation can be heard crumbling floor by floor, and I'm not sure if there is enough time to make it out of the building. I can hear emergency vehicles outside which hopefully means the fire can be put out before we are obliterated and turned to dust blended into these concrete walls. We're on the second floor now, two more flights of stairs and the exit is in sight. I know that people are crying and screaming but I can only see them. My ears have seemed to have gone on strike, and I cannot hear anything but my own pulse. Every blood vessel in my body tightens, and my skin crawls with nerves that itch worse than chiggers. I see the exit, and I hear crumbling right above me. The building is collapsing, and just as so, my life is with it. We are sprinting at this point and I am still carrying this woman. Oxygen hits my nostrils and I see sunlight, and we barely make it out. I hand over the woman to a nearby EMT and run across the street. I fall to my knees and with the deepest breath I can pull from my lungs I sigh, "It's a Monday."
Perhaps someone did not meet a deadline and is trying to buy time by faking a fire-- that would not be so shocking considering the pressures of this high maintenance office. I too have considered such drastic measures for the sake of job-security. Perhaps one of the young interns put a fork in the microwave again-- the intelligence of our interns seems to grow more questionable each year. Who hires these kids anyway? A similar list of thoughts runs through my mind until I peek out of my office door to see what looks like headless chickens running for their lives. Do you remember being five and digging for earth worms, and realizing that when you cut them in half both sides of their body can still inch away? My view was earth worms and chickens inching for the nearest exit. Perhaps I was not assuming the worst soon enough-- it began to smell like burnt plastic and I see two young men dropping fire extinguishers and hustling toward the stairwell. Smoke is filling the office and I am paralyzed by screams. Should I take some of these files? Should I grab the cute picture of my dog off of my desk? Where is my purse? Did I check my coat this morning? Did I drive or walk to work today? I am sweating and I am unsure if it is anxiety or if it is beginning to get warmer. I say fuck the dog picture, but I grab my purse and take off toward the door only to hear a scream coming from two offices down. Fire has overcome the door, and there is no way to get in. All I see is flames and I am beginning to get light headed. The screams grow more faint and I am worried for the amount of people that did not escape. Is this trapped mystery woman the only one, or have others screams already been muted by the fire's roar?
My make-up has sweat off and my once favorite back-up white button up is ruined. I rip it to cover my mouth and go after the fire extinguishers that the young men threw to the floor. Terrified but full of adrenaline I feed the fire killer foam that subsides most of the flames, at least enough to be able to kick down the burnt and crispy office door. I was praying the mystery woman was smart enough to be away from the entrance, and my prayers were answered. Luckily, in my spare time I nerd out on medical shows and can recognize that although faint, the woman has a pulse. I cradle her like a child covering her nose and mouth the best I can and we hike down the stairwell. The amount of people fleeing the building is backed up once we reach the third floor. So close yet still so far from the exit I begin to panic. It has been at least fifteen minutes of chaos and despite the running and pushing there are so many people that it will take at least ten minutes to get out of the building. How long does it take for a structure to collapse once fire is involved? The cracking foundation can be heard crumbling floor by floor, and I'm not sure if there is enough time to make it out of the building. I can hear emergency vehicles outside which hopefully means the fire can be put out before we are obliterated and turned to dust blended into these concrete walls. We're on the second floor now, two more flights of stairs and the exit is in sight. I know that people are crying and screaming but I can only see them. My ears have seemed to have gone on strike, and I cannot hear anything but my own pulse. Every blood vessel in my body tightens, and my skin crawls with nerves that itch worse than chiggers. I see the exit, and I hear crumbling right above me. The building is collapsing, and just as so, my life is with it. We are sprinting at this point and I am still carrying this woman. Oxygen hits my nostrils and I see sunlight, and we barely make it out. I hand over the woman to a nearby EMT and run across the street. I fall to my knees and with the deepest breath I can pull from my lungs I sigh, "It's a Monday."
Tuesday, March 21, 2017
The Disconnect
I have not known myself in quite some time. Although my reflection is clear, my aura has changed and my being is lost on some other astral plane-- unattainable.
I lost myself the day I lost control of my own body; the day a man took something from me that I am unsure I can ever get back. People watched my demise and rather than victimized, they criticized. I said no, yet I am a hoe, and a whore, and the scum between an ogres toes. I said no. So why do I suffer? When will my soul find the peace that was stolen? When will the disconnect between myself and the injustice done to my being come together like the pieces of a puzzle and allow me to glow again? My aura is as bleak and empty as an abandoned mine. I am cold when all I seek is the love of the sun. I want to be yellow and instead I am nothing. The air has the weight of the universe and gravity anchors it on my lungs. When will I catch my breath and cut the anchor loose? Calling this anxiety tiresome is the most under-exaggeration in the history of hyperbole's. Will my reflection ever match my being or does disconnect grow over time?
I lost myself the day I lost control of my own body; the day a man took something from me that I am unsure I can ever get back. People watched my demise and rather than victimized, they criticized. I said no, yet I am a hoe, and a whore, and the scum between an ogres toes. I said no. So why do I suffer? When will my soul find the peace that was stolen? When will the disconnect between myself and the injustice done to my being come together like the pieces of a puzzle and allow me to glow again? My aura is as bleak and empty as an abandoned mine. I am cold when all I seek is the love of the sun. I want to be yellow and instead I am nothing. The air has the weight of the universe and gravity anchors it on my lungs. When will I catch my breath and cut the anchor loose? Calling this anxiety tiresome is the most under-exaggeration in the history of hyperbole's. Will my reflection ever match my being or does disconnect grow over time?
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)