hey dad,
its been a while... ten years to be exact.
how have you been? im sixteen now, i'll be seventeen soon.
i was hoping you'd like to be a part of my life now. would you like that? let me know.
its hard for me sometimes because i feel like maybe i did something, but i have to remind myself all i did was be born, and its you that did something.. you abandoned me.
but its okay because the last ten years of feeling alone has given me a lot of time to grow.
i decided im willing to forgive you now and you can be my dad if you want
for the first time ever. do you want that too? will you be my dad now?
i've already gone through diapers, and tampons, and teenage moodiness so you dont even have to deal with it!
i've already had glasses and contacts and i have my first car so you dont even have to worry about money.
you dont even have to buy me anything for christmas or my birthday dad, lets just hang out.
can we do that? do you want to hang out? we can eat pizza and watch movies or something.
ive had my first job so i understand the value of a dollar, and im not very high maintenance.
will you be my dad now?
let me know.
- buddy
hey dad,
me again, it's been a while but im glad we talked. it was nice to see everyone after ten years. i will have to visit again soon. hopefully next time the second bedroom in your house can be my room and i wont have to sleep on the couch again. no offense to your couch.
do you want to see me again? i bet you were surprised by my height difference.
theres a big growth spurt most kids hit between ages 7 and 17. i hit it, obviously.
you kind of pawned me off on family while i was in town, but you did that when i was little too.
at least this time im old enough to understand. you go to get high a lot..
i wish you could push pause on your addiction.. just while im around.
hey at least you wait til im with family and dont toke up in front of me.
anyway thanks for eating gas station pizza with me and only ditching me twice.
i understand that two days is a long time to ask you not to be high so dont worry.
let me know if you want to hang out again, it was good seeing everyone.
please note that next time i really dont want to sleep on the couch.
-buddy
stranger,
your only daughter here. hello.
well it was nice of you to finally give me a bedroom in your house. it only took eighteen years.
it is a shame, however that i only had the chance to sleep in it once before you decided you were done being my dad again.
thats ok, i have another dad. but still i kind of wanted to see you be my dad too.
i mean we look alike and i know what goes through your head just by the looks on your face.
id like to think that meant we had a bond, but maybe i just am good at reading people.
i guess you dont have time for kids. i guess you think since im 18 now you can get high in front of me.
my other dad would never do that and it hurt my feelings when you did.
it hurt my feelings even more when you wanted to get me high with you.
you know, ive been to parties before where little girls were on beer pong tables next to crushed up pills and weed and i would grab those babies and take them to their rooms and stay with them keeping them safe until the party was over. i would go home and cry for those kids.
i realized in this last visit that if i grew up around you, i would have been that little baby.
i thanked God when i realized that and i understood finally why you couldnt be my dad.
i finally understood why you pawned me off on family my whole life.
i wouldnt be me if you were my dad
so i guess thanks for not being him.
i guess, thanks for breaking my heart. no one will ever break it like you did
but it empowered me. and it made me a lot smarter.
i am sad because now i have to give up on you. it took a lot of power to forgive you in the first place.
but you broke my heart for the last time.
i wont get high with you and im not your buddy.
i signed all my letters buddy because i remember thats what you used to call me when i was little.
you always would grab the back of my head and call me your buddy.
we arent buddies. im your daughter. your only baby. and now im broken. a shattered porcelain doll.
grandma used to get me a porcelain doll every year for christmas.
finally i realize it represented me.
each time i got a new one pretty much represented a time you broke me.
every year i tallied up a closet full of those scary dolls.
but its ok. you cant be my dad. i dont want you to.
does that make you feel anything? does that hurt you too? let me know.
- kinda your daughter
hey,
its been two years. youve missed my high school graduation and first year of college, and all of my first adult experiences. but you also missed my entire life so why would you have seen those?
i just wanted to tell you i'm getting married and having a baby.
i dont want you to be a grandpa, my baby has a grandpa already, i just thought you should know.
truly i just thought it would be wrong for you to hear from someone else.
i told you how happy i was to be expecting a baby. you told me youre moving.
moving into a house with a woman. a woman with two kids.
there went another porcelain doll off the shelf onto the concrete floors. shattered. the last doll i had.
i told you i was happy for you, but i had tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat thicker than molasses.
you had no idea what you told me hurt me.
i wish you understood why that would hurt me. i feel like its so clear. but youre so clueless.
i never lived with you. i got a bedroom in your house for one night of my entire life.
these kids are young. elementary age. even if you two dont stay together they will have lived with you longer than i ever did. even if it only lasted 48 hours.
that crushes me.
how can you allow other kids into your life but not have let me in?
i told you to keep those kids happy, and you told me you will, theyre good kids, you said.
was i not a good kid? never in trouble. A honor roll. gifted and AP classes.
i dual enrolled in college at 16. but still not good enough for daddys heart.
you didnt say much to me. you didnt ask if id been sick.
ive been sick.
mostly you updated me on yourself. you bragged about your new family and life.
the harleys you ride with your girlfriend.
theres two of you, yet you own three. i dont quite understand that math, but im an english major.
oh yeah, did you know i am an english major?
anyway. im glad you stopped paying child support so you could buy a third harley.
your boat looks really shiny at your new lake house too.
"im happy youre happy." i wish that was a lie. but you always seemed so depressed.
can you breathe now?
does your girlfriend get high with you?
i hope you never ask those kids to do that with you. i hope those kids move somewhere else.
maybe for more than just obvious reasons but for selfish ones too.
why should you get to be around any kids after you abandoned your only one?
does your girlfriend know the truth about me and why im not around?
im bitter. but im broken. but not the same bitter and broken as you.
ill never send this but perhaps youll find it and youll feel the hurt that i felt.
although my baby is not born yet i feel this unconditional love that i cannot explain but that i expect every parent to feel for their child.
so i wonder what is broken inside of you that has made you numb to me?
a few days later you wished me a happy birthday for the first time in three years. thank you for that,
but i cant help but wonder now how you will act toward me now?
suddenly i am receiving happy birthdays, whats next? happy thanksgiving? merry christmas?
you wont ever be my kids grandpa.
you will probably never meet my husband. i dont want you at my wedding. youd never be asked to walk me down the aisle. so i wonder. what role will you try to play?
or is it still the same as always? you dont want to be my dad now, do you?
youre too prideful to tell me you love me so i dont think you do.
what are you thinking? are you thinking of me at all? do you hurt? do you cry? let me know.
-the last doll
